NEW YORK, NY — It finally happened. After decades of standing idly on the sidelines like unwanted wedding guests, NFL kickers have had enough. This week, the newly formed Professional Kickers Association (PKA) announced their official unionization, demanding “chairs, cushions, and basic human dignity.”
For too long, kickers have lived as the league’s forgotten specialists—pacing like anxious uncles, stretching hamstrings no one notices, and waiting for the one moment when they’re either hoisted as heroes or crucified as villains. Now they want respect—and a guaranteed place to sit.
The Demands
The PKA’s platform is clear and, they insist, modest:
- Sideline Chairs: One per kicker, cushioned, “not those cold metal folding ones.”
- Sideline Snacks: At least one charcuterie tray per game.
- Respect in Huddles: Kickers must be included in all team prayers, pep talks, and TikTok dances.
- Hall of Fame Representation: One kicker inducted every five years, “whether they deserve it or not.”
“These are not radical demands,” said PKA spokesperson Rodrigo “Boomstick” Alvarez. “We’re not asking for gold thrones. We just want the right to sit down without being told we’re ‘ruining the sideline aesthetic.’”
Solidarity—or Division?
Punters have conspicuously declined to join. Many see kickers as “prima donnas.” “They only show up four or five times a game,” scoffed one AFC punter. “We punt twelve times for the Jets alone. Where’s our chair?”
Quarterbacks, to their credit, have expressed some support. “Look, I get it,” said Patrick Mahomes. “Sometimes you just want to sit. I sit a lot. Usually in hot tubs. But sitters’ rights matter.”
Offensive linemen remain split. Some fear chairs will clutter sideline space they currently occupy while wheezing into oxygen masks. Others welcome the idea: “If a kicker’s got his own chair,” one lineman said, “that’s one less guy trying to sit on me.”
A Turning Point
Some see the kicker uprising as part of a broader labor wave in sports. “Golfers get caddies. Baseball pitchers get rosin bags. Why shouldn’t kickers get cushions?” Alvarez asked.
History may remember this as the season kickers finally claimed their dignity. Until then, the league braces for a fight not in the trenches—but in the folding-chair aisle at Walmart.